Let me set the scene.

Me sitting on my bed, seeking sanctuary from the tirant that is my asshole husband. Riley is at day care next door and the pup is with me in hiding. He is ranting and raving about the house. Ok, so the house is a mess.. I mean for anyone who really knows me.. when is it not a little messy. Christmas JUST Passed hours ago and well I have two jobs and two year old and a 4 month old Horse/puppy. Even Martha Fucking stewarts house would be a little messy in that situation. Anyway.. Today we planned to clean and put all the gift away and give the puppy his much needed run time and well Mr. A-Hole starts in on this.. THIS HOUSE IS A PIG PEN AND I CAN"T LIVE LIKE THIS. Kick. What pisses me off is that although his frustration is valid his attitude isn't. Last time I checked he was FAR from neat and it is even safe to say the a good portion of this mess is his. so why he is stomping around yelling at me and cursing out the dog? the only reason I can come up with is that it is because he is a complete and utter ASS HOLE. How dare him try to make me feel like I AM ALL TO BLAME.. Or better yet.. That it is my fault. He even went as far as to say we shouldn't have gotten the dog.. why because before him the house was spotless.. Yeah right. If he wanted a model home then he should have married Joan Cleaver. Hell I would spend all my time keeping this house spotless if I didn't have to work but until then I think I am entitled to some rest time too. Further more why do I have to be locked in the bell tower because he picked today to have a hissy fit. I wish sometimes I could shove a mirror in his face to show him what an ass he is making of himself. I mean like I said before.. he has every right to me frustrated with the condition of our home (which really isn't that bad and yes in my opinon it has been far worse) but he has no right to blame me or even be a total jerk to me. I agreed on cleaning it and yet with every item he touched he lets out a grunt, sigh or rolled his eyes so far back into his head.

Ok I am done venting.. but Dame.. what a total Buzz kill.

hide ho

I am so drunk and it feels great. actually if I had a smoke it woule be better. I feel free. I never get a chance to let loose. I love my friend Jessica for giving me a place to be free. I love my husband for allowing me the freedom to do so as well.

So yeah.. There is this girl who insists on hanging out with me because she likes the advice I give and it makes me feel good when I help her and stuff but I have a confession. She helps me just as much. I may not pour my heart out all the time but having a *cough* Sister is such a healing feeling for me. not just that though, being told I am like a sister to her makes me feel like I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful baby girl but until the sister role really took off I felt like I was a mis-guided fool that would surely drive her daughter to self destruction.. ok maybe that is a little much but you get the picture. Any way.. I just feel it is an honor to be able to have someone want to come to you and heed your advice. and the fact that she is such a great cookie maker only helps me and Riley who love eating up all the yummies..

Thank you for trusting me and I won't ever let you down as long as I can help it.

Now I have two lil girls to look out for.. HUGS

I feel like I have to be a mind reader. read the mind of others to determine what they want from me. Frankly I am poor at what I do. I feel choked by the over whelming fact that nothing I do will be good enough. why is it that I feel the need to please people. Is it because I secretly don't know what pleases me? and is that feeling really a self criticism? regardless it is causing visible strains on my surrounding relationships. As someone said recently "it isn't personal" I ask myself: Am I taking things to personal or am I in fact warranted to feel the way I am? I just want it to stop. either I need to dig deeper and analyze myself more or I need to know if how I am feeling is the result of a negative voice that happens to be around me 24 hours a day. it isn't bad enough that the normal day to day work is a drag but when I get a moment to myself it is filled with negative comments or back handed compliments. It is sad that the one person that has the most effect on me happens to be the cause of all my hurting. this hurt causes me to doubt things.. that is a dangerous game. when doubt creeps in so does worry and with that comes planning ahead. When I plan for the future I pretty much set up my life without the things bothering me and act as if those things are not in my life. Obviously this causes problems but unfortunately when you have tried to communicate every way possible and still NOTHING happens there is nothing else to do. it is an endless cycle. I just hate feeling like all the love I have and happiness I have is something I have alone. I mean if I can't share it with the ones closes to me what is it really but a false reality. I don't want to kid myself any longer. I would rather feel the pain of lost love then never experiance true love.